Dear one,
“The power of a secret is not the secret itself; rather, how the secret alters relational behavior.”
This observation, first gleaned from Edwin Freidman’s, Generation to Generation, I still find helpful even if passé. The larger context of his observation was that of “family systems” and how secrets operate within alcoholic families; but its broader application can center upon any “unseemly secret” held inviolable within the family’s skeletal closet. Perceived as shameful, typically that secret is a sexual or financial indiscretion. The good news: most families, when the secret comes to light, can absorb the impact of the feared shame; the bad news: most families choose secrecy, which leads to patterns of compounded deceit—and the tragedy of the deceiver being greatly deceived.
In my recent reading of an historical novel, I was reminded of this chosen path, the path of secrecy: the protagonist chose not to share a secret with her husband, fearing his response. As a consequence, she withdrew from him, ever so slightly at first, which he interpreted as the cooling of her love for him; he then reacted in kind, and eventually theirs became a very chilled and distant functionality.
Now admittedly, when I began to read of the wife’s chosen path (a path men frequent), I groaned: “I know where this secret is leading and I’d rather not expend the emotional energy as secrecy leads unto secrecy leads unto further secrecy.” But I also knew that the author, as a credible writer, must follow the “natural” course of the secret seed once planted: wild oats and bitter grapes.
Nonetheless, with further reflection, I wondered: How frequently has the God of Heaven and earth groaned, when I have chosen to keep secret a particular thought or action? How many of my relationships have become cancerous or gangrene, because I have chosen to secret or even cherish a little “white lie”? Oh, by these questions I’m not seeking to be naïve, simplistic, or insensitive: dumping my truckload upon every unsuspecting bystander; but I am reminded of John’s word: “[The] light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light” (John 3:19), in combination with Paul’s admonition: “[Speaking] the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ” (Ephesians 4:15).
Increasingly, may you and I chose the light, whom I believe is Jesus, and may He grant us the wherewithal to speak in love as He did and does.
Faithfully,
Stan